I Thought It Was Hacked… Turns out She No-Indexed Herself by Mistake
It all started three nights ago.
I was sitting at my workstation—two monitors glowing in the dark like I was running a crypto mining farm, not a digital marketing agency.
Trending Now!!:
I had just finished updating a client’s SEO content strategy when a weird email popped into my inbox.
Bro… who titles an email like that by 11:47 PM?
Curiosity won. I opened it.
Turns out it was from Amara, a lifestyle influencer with 350k followers—one of those “clean girl aesthetic, matcha latte every morning” types. Her brand was trendy enough that even TikTok’s algorithm respected her.
She left her number, so I called.
Me: “Hello, good evening.”
Her: “Please, can you come to Lekki Phase 1 NOW?”
Me: “Now now?”
Her: “Yes, it’s an SEO emergency!”
I blinked.
“SEO emergency” sounded like premium Gen Z chaos… but this is Lagos. Anything is possible.
I arrived at her gated apartment. She rushed downstairs—hair in a messy bun, oversized hoodie, barefoot like she escaped a cult.
She jumped into my passenger seat.
Her: “Drive. Fast.”
Me: “Why is everyone always telling me that?”
She exhaled shakily.
Her: “My website traffic dropped from 30,000 daily visits to 842 in 24 hours.”
I almost parked the car in shock.
That was more than a drop.
That was SEO cardiac arrest.
Me: “What exactly happened?”
Her: “I think I’ve been… shadowbanned by Google.”
Me: “Huh?”
Her: “Or hacked! Or penalized! Or maybe my ex reported my blog out of bitterness!”
She was spiraling.
And low-key, the dramatics were entertaining.
We pulled up at a 24/7 café in VI. Cozy ambience. Fairy lights. Smell of pastries and regret.
I opened her website on my laptop.
Within 10 seconds, I gasped.
Her SEO plugin was deactivated.
Her robots.txt blocked search engines.
Her sitemap was gone.
Her internal links were broken.
Her meta descriptions duplicated.
And worst of all…
She accidentally no-indexed her entire website.
I spun the laptop toward her dramatically.
Me: “See? You told Google NOT to crawl your site.”
She covered her mouth.
Her: “Oh God… I’m the one shadowbanning myself.”
While I worked on fixing everything, she kept talking like we were on a podcast.
Lights from the café hit her face, eyes glossy with embarrassment.
Her: “I didn’t mean to. I was trying to tweak my SEO settings. I watched a YouTube video. The guy said something about ‘indexing’ and I thought it meant something else.”
Me: “Like what?”
Her: “Like… index finger.”
I stared at her.
She stared back.
We both burst out laughing.
After two hours of keyword optimization, meta tag cleanup, reinstating her XML sitemap, and submitting everything to Google Search Console, her website was finally back on track.
Then she said something that made me freeze.
Her: “I didn’t call you just because of SEO.”
I looked up.
Her expression changed—soft, hesitant, serious.
Her: “You’re the anonymous digital strategist that dragged my ex’s brand during that Twitter marketing debate last month, right?”
My jaw dropped.
She continued:
“He hired a shady agency. You exposed them with screenshots and proved their backlinks were fake. You destroyed his ‘marketing expert’ reputation. I saved that thread.”
I blinked rapidly.
Her: “I’ve wanted to hire you since then. Tonight just gave me the excuse.”
Wait. What?
I was still processing when she suddenly whispered:
“Also…”
She swallowed.
“…I think someone sabotaged my SEO settings.”
I frowned.
“You think so?”
She nodded.
“My ex has my WordPress login.”
My stomach dropped.
Was this a breakup revenge SEO attack?
Was I dragged into a digital love triangle?
Before I could respond, a black SUV pulled into the café parking lot.
Her ex stepped out.
Tall. Angry.
Holding a laptop.
He walked straight toward us.
Ex: “Amara! Give me back my blog traffic!”
I muttered under my breath:
“Ah. SEO warfare.”
Before I could stand, Amara grabbed my arm.
Her: “Relax. He works for me.”
I blinked.
The ex sighed loudly.
Ex: “You ruined the PR stunt! This was supposed to go viral before Valentine’s Day.”
I was confused.
Amara smiled mischievously.
Her: “Yeah… the SEO traffic crash was fake. We wanted a drama storyline to boost my blog engagement.”
I stood up slowly.
Me: “So… this was a marketing campaign?”
Her: “Yes. And congrats.”
She handed me a contract.
“You’re now my official Digital Marketing & SEO strategist.”
I looked at the ex.
He nodded like a defeated intern.
I laughed.
Only in Lagos will a midnight SEO emergency turn into a job offer.
