Champagne Taste, Zobo Budget

So, last week, I went to this classy restaurant in VI with a friend who insisted we needed to “network in bougie spaces.”

I dressed sharp—ironed shirt, polished shoes, light perfume. The whole corporate drip.

We got there, got a nice table close to the window, and the waiter handed us the kind of menu that doesn’t have prices listed. You know those ones where if you ask for price, you automatically can’t afford it? Yeah.

Anyway, as we were placing our orders, I looked over at this stunning woman sitting alone, sipping wine and scrolling on her phone. Something about her screamed “soft life.” My friend nudged me and said, “Guy, that’s your cue. Shoot your shot.”

Normally, I’m shy. But maybe it was the environment, maybe it was the smooth jazz playing, or maybe it was pride—but I stood up, adjusted my collar and walked up to her table like I had credit alerts waiting in my inbox.

“Hi,” I said with my best deep voice. “I couldn’t help but notice you from across the room. You look… familiar. Did we meet at the Tech Summit in Lekki last month?”

She looked up, smiled slightly, and replied, “No, I don’t think so.”

Me: “Oh really? Maybe in my dreams then.”

She chuckled a bit and said, “Cute.”

I was feeling myself. Then I said, “Well, since fate has brought us to the same restaurant, how about I get your bill?”

She blinked once. “That’s sweet,” she said, then handed me a receipt with just two things on it:

• Seafood platter – ₦69,000
• Rosé wine – ₦85,000

I swallowed hard. The only thing in my account was vibes and one last transfer for the week.

I smiled awkwardly and said, “Actually, I meant I could split the bill with you—50/50. Gender equality, you know?”

She looked at me like I just spilled pepper soup on her Birkin bag.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got it,” she said, as cool as ice. “But next time, don’t flex what your wallet can’t carry.”

I nodded, laughed like it was a joke, and moonwalked back to my table like I was doing TikTok challenge. My friend was already crying into his napkin.

We didn’t even finish our food. We paid for two glasses of water and dipped.

I’ve now learned two things:

• Not all menus are your portion.
• Leave wine-sipping queens alone unless your account balance is queen-sized too.